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The Story Of The Magic Christmas Quilts
Once upon a time there was a quilter named Beth. Though she was very poor, living in a dingy trailer park in Oklahoma with her two half-wit boys Conrad and Chip, and wildly obese, she made the most beautiful quilts! She sold them on eBay!
How beautiful were her quilts? Oh, they were wondrous! Stitched from the finest fabrics, each square on the glorious patchworks featured radiant colors, with lovely pictures of hearts, doves, and the most beautiful flowers. When you laid down at night to slumber and covered yourself with one of her quilts, it wasn’t so much the soft downy feathers that kept you warm, but the love that Beth put into every stitch.
As Christmas approached, the Internet was abuzz about the beauty and unmatched quality of Beth’s quilts, and her eBay orders went up and up and up!
“Oh my,” sung Beth, “with all these quilt sales, I’ll have enough money to buy Christmas gifts for Conrad and Chip! Braces for Conrad’s twig-like legs, and a glass eye for the gaping hole in Chip’s misshapen head!”
But everyone who ordered a quilt wanted to give it as Christmas gift, and Beth didn’t want to ruin her impeccable eBay rating, so it soon became clear that she’d have to work so very extra hard to get them all done on time. She worked day and night with very little sleep, taking breaks only to drain Conrad’s leg bag, but it wasn’t enough! There were only seven more days before Christmas, and she didn’t know how she’d get all those quilts done unless she didn’t sleep at all!
Thinking it was a lost cause, Beth began to cry silently in the trailer as she got up to open another box of Snackwells. As she went to the cupboard, she passed a window and saw Rick, her wiry neighbor. All Beth knew about Rick is he never seemed to sleep, spending all his time sitting on a lawn chair in front of his trailer smoking Old Gold 100s, drinking beer, and collecting disability from his dry wall job.
“Rick, oh Rick,” Beth yelled out the window. “How is it that you never sleep?”
“Come over to my trailer, and I’ll show you,” Rick said.
Beth lumbered over to Rick’s filthy trailer as Rick prepared a line of something that looked like ice crystals on his TV tray.
“Suck that up your nose, pudgy. You won’t sleep for days.”
Beth, thinking Rick was a Christmas Angel sprinkling pixie dust, used a rolled up re-order card from a Guns & Ammo magazine that was laying on the TV tray to huff that big fat gagger of a line in one pull. By the time she got back to her trailer, she felt more energized than she had even as a 210 pound twelve year old, and made 14 quilts in 26 hours, so clear was her mind and nimble her fat hands!
“This is a gift! Santa is real!” Beth laughed, but starting to crash a bit as she lumbered back to Rick’s to get more magic snow flakes.
“Oh, you’re back already,” Rick said. “Well this time, it’s gonna cost ya.”
“Cost me,” gasped Beth, “but I won’t have any money until I finish all my Christmas quilts!”
“I don’t want money, woman,” Rick replied.
Six days, 17 lines and 9 wet, fat-mouthed blow jobs later, Beth had finished all her quilts. She had enough money to buy the medical supply gifts for her half-wit sons, and had lost 60 pounds from not eating and doing meth for seven straight days in the process!
It really was, a Christmas miracle.
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Merry Christmas,
Simon
